cannot hurrah2 yet
theres still two more projects due next week
quizes.. i lost track of them..
0.0 couldnt remember what on which day
darn.
heck =D

and FOUR MORE WEEKS BEFORE THE END OF YEAR TWO
=DD
and heck the previous entry ayt
i just need a venue to let out things
and i realized that watchin movie in between projects
is actually not a bad idea
0.0
but, really!
it really did destress me
and somehow made me more functional and productive to
complete my tasks even though
it takes a hell lot longer of course
but hey!
if it helps, why not right?

and i realized its like,
one movie for each project
ahahah
so far, i watched
Speak
Initiation of Sarah
Whatever It Takes
A Walk To Remember

well, Kristen Stewart (Bella; Twilight)
starred in Speak and shes actually kinda
a good actress who carried out her character
well and thats the film that she met her current
beau, Michael somethingsomething
HAHAH
and if you noiced, the way she act
is how she really talks in real life
the little shrugging and shaking of her head and stuff

Initiation of Sarah had that TRL VJ who used to
be Miss Teen USA (and also dated Nick 98degree dude)
starring in the story
its a halloween movie so you might REEEEALLY
hate their background music
cos the suspense music had me jumping alot
=.= and the movie just prove how much i dont get
all the sorority thingy that college kids
are so eager about
hmm..

Whatever It Takes, i think all girls should watch
if you wanna see James Franco (Harry Osborn; Spiderman)
in a black G-string! HAHAHAHAHAHA
he had a hot bod yaw and his smile is
still a killer back then
HEEEEEEE. I LOIKE.

A Walk To Remember, most of you guys might have
probably heard of it much more than all the previous movies
mentioned above, and here,
Shane West is a hottie while a nerd
in the previous movie
and this movie is like super sad laaa
i wanted to cry
but i didnt. heh

sooo two more projects!
and two more movies!

and the song you guys hear
playing right now is from
Nutting but stringz
a duo who were a finalist at
America's Got Talent!
i never hear them play before actually
=.= but saw their clip when they were listed as the
second runner-up and
DANG. they are like darn good yaw!
i want their CD caaaaaan? =DD

that was the last straw.
the limit of all limits.
the last wall of defense.
i seriously couldnt take it anymore..

when i read the letter,
my heart weighed heavily against my chest
never did i feel i have a lot on my shoulders
till just now.
it dampen my mood for the rest of the evening
for once,
i totally felt like an adult
with responsiblities that seem too huge for me

i didnt know what to do
i dont even know where i should begin
i had no plan

i felt suffocated
and thoughts that i shouldnt even think of
went through my mind as a "way out"
but i was opposing it with all the cons
i could think of
all the incomplete dreams if i chose the
pros over the cons
all the people i'd be leaving behind if i chose the
pros over the cons

i thought the letter was my last straw
but it wasnt.

it was my second last,
sort of.

i called kak ani
to inform her of the letter
she blamed me for it
but i had been telling her
that this could be the outcome
if we didnt react sooner
but she said its my fault still
cos i didnt do as told
but i dont even recall she telling me so

and so i thought hard
what could i do
what will be the worst outcome
if i were to ignore it?

and kak ya came home
giving me one of her 'infamous'
prep talk again
as usual, no point argueing
i just listened and
kept a 'stone' face

she asked for the letter
told her where it was
and she sound me so kayy fine
i went to get it
but it wasnt there
and she nag a little
and thats when i really lost it

i lost it.

i couldnt stop myself
before i realised that i was
screaming at her already
i felt as if everything implodes

i couldnt stop myself
i was consciously aware that i
was 'doing all that'
and curling into a ball
as my last wall of facade broke down

but i couldnt stop myself
i could only 'do that'
i dont think i have ever been through
anything soo.. emotional before.

afnan was afraid when he saw me like that
i would too if i saw how i was at that moment

mum was shouting at me to calm down
but i cant
as 'all that' became my venue to
let everything go.

to let go of everything that
i had bottled up in me

i know i looked pathetic
and like some psychomaniac
who just lost her mind
but i really couldnt take it anymore

for a moment,
i felt soo..
empty.

i staggered to my room and
locked the door
but i guess they thought
i would do something irrational
looking at the state i was just now
so they forced me to unlock
but left me in the room

again,
all those unthinkable thoughts
went through my mind again
and i broke down
cos i wont bare to leave all
those things behind

i prayed and i asked
for inner peace
cos right now,
that felt like so out of reach

i may look the same
but i dont feel the same
i havent really let go of everything

i could still feel the ache
cos everything felt like its
'too much'

i feel like im in a harsh game
whereby im at a losing end
and i cant quit the game
and it felt im sinking through
a quicksand

but that was,
by far,
the worst breakdown i ever had.