Thursday, January 22, 2009
a breakdown ; 00:30
that was the last straw.
the limit of all limits.
the last wall of defense.
i seriously couldnt take it anymore..
when i read the letter,
my heart weighed heavily against my chest
never did i feel i have a lot on my shoulders
till just now.
it dampen my mood for the rest of the evening
for once,
i totally felt like an adult
with responsiblities that seem too huge for me
i didnt know what to do
i dont even know where i should begin
i had no plan
i felt suffocated
and thoughts that i shouldnt even think of
went through my mind as a "way out"
but i was opposing it with all the cons
i could think of
all the incomplete dreams if i chose the
pros over the cons
all the people i'd be leaving behind if i chose the
pros over the cons
i thought the letter was my last straw
but it wasnt.
it was my second last,
sort of.
i called kak ani
to inform her of the letter
she blamed me for it
but i had been telling her
that this could be the outcome
if we didnt react sooner
but she said its my fault still
cos i didnt do as told
but i dont even recall she telling me so
and so i thought hard
what could i do
what will be the worst outcome
if i were to ignore it?
and kak ya came home
giving me one of her 'infamous'
prep talk again
as usual, no point argueing
i just listened and
kept a 'stone' face
she asked for the letter
told her where it was
and she sound me so kayy fine
i went to get it
but it wasnt there
and she nag a little
and thats when i really lost it
i lost it.
i couldnt stop myself
before i realised that i was
screaming at her already
i felt as if everything implodes
i couldnt stop myself
i was consciously aware that i
was 'doing all that'
and curling into a ball
as my last wall of facade broke down
but i couldnt stop myself
i could only 'do that'
i dont think i have ever been through
anything soo.. emotional before.
afnan was afraid when he saw me like that
i would too if i saw how i was at that moment
mum was shouting at me to calm down
but i cant
as 'all that' became my venue to
let everything go.
to let go of everything that
i had bottled up in me
i know i looked pathetic
and like some psychomaniac
who just lost her mind
but i really couldnt take it anymore
for a moment,
i felt soo..
empty.
i staggered to my room and
locked the door
but i guess they thought
i would do something irrational
looking at the state i was just now
so they forced me to unlock
but left me in the room
again,
all those unthinkable thoughts
went through my mind again
and i broke down
cos i wont bare to leave all
those things behind
i prayed and i asked
for inner peace
cos right now,
that felt like so out of reach
i may look the same
but i dont feel the same
i havent really let go of everything
i could still feel the ache
cos everything felt like its
'too much'
i feel like im in a harsh game
whereby im at a losing end
and i cant quit the game
and it felt im sinking through
a quicksand
but that was,
by far,
the worst breakdown i ever had.
